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Pillows

I absolutely love pillows. I know that it seems either obvious or strange to make a statement like that, but I just find so much joy in them. I think the pillows on a person's bed say a lot about them. For example, mine are:

  • well used
  • floppy
  • soft
  • numerous

The idea that they are well used says that I'm am concerned with conservation. I have been told that one should replace the pillows on their bed every six months because they just become filled with dust, bugs and dead skin cells. This doesn't phase me when potential waste is at stake. I only replace my pillows when they are battle scarred and no longer functional as a head rest. I figure if I can't see the yucky stuff, it's all just soft supportive filling.

I like my pillows like I enjoy my french fries… when I pick them up I want them to flop over and squish easily. I'm not sure what this says about me exactly, but I'm sure there is an innuendo I'm skipping over here. Firm pillows and crispy fries have no place in my world, yet I am aware that they seem to be the more popular choice amongst society. I refuse to conform.

Maybe the soft component speaks to my need for comfort both physically and emotionally. A pillow that consumes my head makes me feel cuddled and safe; I want my bed to be like a warm bear hug that wraps it's arms around me and shuts out everything else.

When I say I have numerous pillows, I mean six, not thirty. The people who have more than six pillows on their bed have what Bed Bath and Beyond would call "decorative pillows". I will re-classify them as "useless, overpriced, stuffed sacks" and say that if it's function is to look pretty and it gets taken off the bed before a person climbs into it, it doesn't deserve to be called a pillow. Plus, if it costs $50 and has beads on it that would cut my face were I to rest upon it, it is evil and shouldn't exist. No, when I claim to have many pillows on my bed I mean that I like to sit up and read or enjoy TV and I want several layers of fluff to support my back. Once I fall asleep, the back four stay on the bed and serve as a fort around my head so monsters can't see me. It's reasonable.

Based on what I have seen on other people's beds here are some of my opinions (these are not professional facts, although I do often find that I am super right):

Two pillows on bed: Probably a boy. Girls have four even when they themselves don't need them all because it makes the bed look nicer and it is polite in case of company. Bachelors seem to be the only culprits of the queen sized bed with two pillows. It makes it look like a sad pancake that has been sitting out for hours and has lost it's fluffy goodness.

Decorative Pillows: I've been over this and if I bring it up again my rage will overtake me and I will want to punch a yak (don't ask).

One Pillow: Don't talk to me.

Four Extra Firm Pillows: Neurotic and organized. Probably successful and confident but deep down feels plagued by the need for perfection.

Smelly Pillows: Single (and most likely male). It has been a long time since someone other than them has laid their head down in that bed. Everyone thinks their own smell is fine. I'm not disagreeing, we all are more accustomed to our odors than others will ever be… I'm just saying, you never know when you might have a guest and if you sweat like a gorilla in summer, new pillows are a must. You don't get the luxury of waiting until they are floppy and glorious.

But what do I know? I have six old, floppy pillows on my bed. Nobody should take me seriously.

NOccasions

Brain Fart