A Tougher Night

Some moments the feeling just creeps up on me. The knowledge that she is gone is always there, but it is not as often that I allow myself to realize the loss. When I can no longer keep it at bay and it hits me, it feels like all the air gets pulled from my lungs, my heart tightens, and I panic. So many things in life have solutions, that the situations I am faced with that I just have to push through feel unreal. I feel desperate to fix this and even forget that there is nothing to be done about it. I dream that she is alive and I can hug her and smell her and bury my tears in her big red hair. I hear her voice in my head telling me things she wants to say and I think of all the happenings in my day that I want to relay to her. There is a void. Some days when I am with people I find myself talking more than usual to fill the quiet spaces. Anything to keep the world from going still around me. I talk and talk and talk and none of it is what I actually want to say.

I want to say that I am lonely without her. I want to say that I'm angry she is gone so soon. I want to cry without fear of burdening others. I want to scream that the world needs her, that I need her and that none of my efforts fill the space. She is not coming back. To think it, to type it, to say it… is agony.

When I wake up in the morning, people will ask me if I am okay, but the moment is gone so it is harder to open up.

I am okay, but fuck I hate this.

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