Archive | November, 2013

What I’m Thankful For

29 Nov

Here are some of the things I’m Thankful for in 2013:

  • Grilled english muffins.
  • The artist formerly known as Prince being currently known as Prince; it’s easier.
  • Wicking fabrics.
  • My computer still trying to autocorrect the word “twerk” because it doesn’t know it.
  • Colorful tights.
  • Finally learning all the words to “The Humpty Dance”.
  • Bamboo (I don’t know why yet, but it’s great stuff).
  • Scented candles.
  • Banjo players.
  • Leggings coming back in style.
  • Scissors that cut really well.
  • Animated movies with whimsical characters who have lines intended for adults.
  • The gym in my building
  • The nonono cat on YouTube… always the nonono cat on YouTube.
  • My juicer’s ability to take whole fruits and vegetables like a boss.
  • I have less than six months until the new Muppet movie.
  • Lavender scented anything.
  • Micro pigs.

Oh and of course my family, friends, pets, acquaintances and my exceptional life but I felt that all was a given.

Magical Thanksgiving Masterpiece

28 Nov

I don’t know who has been on Google today (Thanksgiving) but there is a little teepee with a play button in the middle.

Press that button. If you do the most wonderful thing ever will happen for you.

For those who cannot find it because it is past the day I will explain. A video will start where a raccoon and his unidentifiable furry friend exit the teepee carrying pies. That’s right, forest creatures carrying baked goods. Next, a bear with a pumpkin starts running off somewhere important and is followed by his buddies the fox, three mice carrying some corn and a turkey with a gourd (pure genius so far).

The food toting animals arrive at a picnic table and all share their goods when the fox becomes suddenly distressed. He is then struck with a flash of brilliance… play the banjo! The whole gang starts to dance with their original potluck dish and a miraculous party ensues.

I have no clue how Google will move forward as a company after this. They have now set the bar so high for creative content that they might have to end on a high note and disband. This cannot be topped; but if they do find a way to do better than this my brain will melt from sheer joy. It was a close call this time and I only wish I could somehow share the look on my face while I witnessed this (those who know me well can picture anytime I see a squirrel).

Thank you Google for starting my Turkey Day off right, you found all the things I love most and put them into one incredible clip.

Click here to view and prepare for everything that is happy…

Onion Fingers

25 Nov

My fingers smell like onions; I have washed them 5 times since the problem began 6 hours ago.

I have used my ever reliable trick of rubbing them on stainless steel and experimented with multiple soaps to no avail.

I have this thing where I constantly sniff at my hands when they smell like onion. I don’t love the smell and I’m not sure what this accomplishes other than to a.) make me mildly nauseous and b.)make me look like a creep who sniffs her own fingers. I don’t realize I’m doing it until I catch myself in a daydream about stir-fry and notice that my digits are alarmingly close to my face. This usually prompts another attempt at scrubbing to get the scent out.

Why do onions make your hands smell for so long? I can chop any other vegetable without fear of these longstanding consequences (except for hot peppers; I learned my lesson about those and contact lenses the excruciating way). Isn’t it punishment enough that there is crying involved the chopping process? Do I also need to be marked like territory?

I am in this mess because I dedicated myself to prepping three pounds of cream pearled onions for Thanksgiving… there will be 8 people at my family meal and at least 3 of them definitely don’t even eat them. I may have gone overboard.

This whole task took me maybe two hours and the skin on my fingertips was wrinkled from the onion moisture, that speaks volumes. I have the sinking feeling that the onion juices seeped into my skin and I will smell like a Chili’s restaurant permanently.

I looked up ways to get the stench out and although I guess that these methods might work I take issue with how cuckoo and inconvenient some of them are:

Dip your hands in tomato juice for at least five minutes- Are we making salad fingers here?! (That cartoon series was amazing though, it is unrelated but I miss it).

Soak your hands in lemon juice or vinegar for three minutes- This is still suspiciously like making gross salad dressing but if it takes two less minutes than the tomato juice why wouldn’t I?

Rub your hands in peanut butter- Alright, this must be a prank to get me mauled by a dog, yes? If it’s not, I cannot imagine this wouldn’t end up being messy and greasy.

Wrap your fingers in duct tape and wait 30 minutes- Huh… nope. That’s such a long time considering I couldn’t possibly wrap both hands at once (and if I have to explain why, keep thinking, you will get there) this would be a minimum of an hour. Why does someone know this if the three minutes in lemon juice option exists?!

Wash your hands well with soap and water- LIE! Okay, if this one is on the list are the rest of them lies?! Is this whole thing an elaborate prank to get me to rub weird things on my hands? What sick mind would do this?!

Rub toothpaste on hands- Now I don’t believe anything this list has to say PLUS this one seems like the most expensive per ounce. Aquafresh is not cheap.

Rub your hands with a used coffee pod- I’m not positive that I even know what a coffee pod is, so I probably do not have one readily available.

Thanks internet, you’ve been helpful. I’m going to go make my hands into vinaigrette dressing, because that’s so much better.

Are You A Hipster?

24 Nov

New lingo has added the term “hipster” to our repertoire and it gets very overused. One of the major traits of a hipster is the idea that they have an attitude that defies what is currently trendy. This means that they liked a band before it was popular or discovered a fashion craze before it was in magazines and now that it is “mainstream” they are “over it”.

So the conundrum comes in when it has become trendy in itself to be a hipster. This poses the question, what would a true hipster answer for the question, “are you a hipster?”

If they answer that they are not a hipster this could be a clue that they are one because it is cool  to deny being something so popular. But now that the sly response is, “no way, I’m just me and I don’t like labels”, what if the elusive hipster is on to this and they switch things up? Now the forward thinking reply is to acknowledge that you are a hipster to show you won’t follow the trend of saying you aren’t one which was to originally cover up that you are one. Still with me?

I’m no longer able to distinguish who is and who is not. My finger would have to be constantly on the pulse of what is cooler, being a hipster or not being one and remember that the true hipster will give me the less fashionable response. But now I’m really getting dizzy, because if it is in vogue to admit to being one than a true hipster will be saying that he or she is not one. But what if someone really isn’t one and they just casually say they aren’t one? Are they now one because they gave the socially current retort? Or what if we jump ahead to when it circles back around to being correct to admitting to being one, when does that cycle back? Is it the moment that a non hipster claims to be one so now it’s being stated as a trend? Or would the occurrence of a non-hipster staking claim as one be so uncool that it would then be cool again to hold the title?

I’ve been described in such terms myself but I don’t know which answer to give when asked what I am.

I think I am a hipster…? Ugh, I don’t know; I hate it.

Drunk On Power

23 Nov

This is my story about finding power and relevance in the cyber world and how it led me to insanity.

Last year I tried to acquire the web domain learningtobefunny.com and failed. It was owned by someone else and I spent a lot of time, energy and money in an attempt to obtain it from said mystery person to no avail. I gave up and purchased my full name as a domain instead to feel some sense of belonging in this technological world. People told me that my name would be easier to tell people as a website and that I should just let go of my blogs namesake as an internet address. Maybe it was less satisfying because my name was readily available to purchase and it all happened so fast. I wanted what I couldn’t have, and that is not like me.

Recently, while enjoying a Greek salad at Panera I noticed a banner on my blog asking me if I wanted to own learningtobefunny.com. I had seen this banner before and it had always offered me learningtobefunny.me as a pathetic alternative so I was used to ignoring it. Yet, on this magical day, in the midst of my feta cheese and free apple, my domain name was finally free. I instantly bought it and felt more accomplished than I had in some time. All of a sudden the world was full of so many possibilities.

I can’t explain what happened to me that day, but I really got my act together all around. It was as though my new webpage was a baby and I didn’t want to let it down. I wanted to do it proud and be the kind of woman who has her own site.

I looked into web servers who could help me design an impressive spread and found one I really liked the functionality of. When I finished signing up with them a tiny window appeared on my screen and said, “You qualify for a free domain with subscription. What domain would you like?”

I already had my name plus my creative brainchild, what more could I need? But there it was… free.

That day I became the master of the domain poopjokesandunlimitedhugs.com. I’m not at all sure what it will be yet, but it is mine.

Having the rights to three different web addresses has changed me. I’m an internet mogul now just trying to run what could be the greatest sites on the worldwide web. Yes two of the sites have nothing on them and the last is the same blog I ran through WordPress before, but that’s just for now. I now have the power to create sites with any content I desire. I could make a webpage comprised entirely of aardvarks or one that allowed people to share their findings on the bushiness of squirrel tails in their neighborhood. Watch out world, I’m moving fast.

I am the most powerful web sorceress of all time!

I am the most powerful web sorceress of all time!

Hate The Hobbit Movies? No.

22 Nov

I don’t care if the entire movie going world hates the Hobbit movies; I love them. I realize only one of the three total has been released, but I already know that when the others come out I will be deliriously happy. For me, Peter Jackson’s entire Tolkien movie endeavor is wonderful. I watch and re-watch the extended editions on DVD when I feel down or up or anything in between and they always make me happy.

Since the release of the first in the Hobbit trilogy I have heard from countless people that they we’re disgruntled about the whole shebang. I cannot take it, as a fan and as a positive person I just don’t want to hear it anymore. So I will address the series of complaints I have heard so they can be put to rest and everyone can get together and have Hobbit pajama parties with me (if anyone would actually do this, please contact me).

“Why make a children’s book into three movies?”- I should answer this with a simple, “why not?” but I digress. If it is a book I love why wouldn’t I want more of it?! Think of it like delicious pickles– if someone offered to me three I would never ever say, “no, just one is fine.” I would be psyched about eating three pickles because there is no downside to that. They aren’t super filling so I wouldn’t feel that uncomfortable type of full, they aren’t unhealthy so they wouldn’t make me fat and my breath will be bad after one, so why not three? The extra two won’t make my breath any different after the initial bite and now I’ve enjoyed so much pickle goodness.

“Legolas wasn’t in the book, he shouldn’t be in the movie.”- We all had to see that coming though, am I right? I don’t think Orlando Bloom is overly talented, but he is pretty to look at. Plus, he provided the Lord of the Rings trilogy with much needed moments of gazing dramatically into the distance. I knew when important stuff was happening because eerie music would play and Legolas would get serious and look far away. Also, it doesn’t hurt the plot line to add him in here because (prepare for a “Nerd Moment”, from now on I will preface these with “NM”) if you read further into Tolkien legend, his father Thranduil is the Elvenking. So it stands to reason that if he was a key player in the Hobbit’s journey, his son Legolas was around somewhere.

Look, Orlando Bloom needs this okay? This role was the coolest thing he will ever do so don’t take that away from him.

“But they are adding Lady Elf characters that’s weren’t created by Tolkien.”- Yes, once again Peter Jackson threw in a character not from the original text. I will play a tiny violin for the purists. The Elf Tauriel, played by Evangeline Lilly was most likely thrown into the adventure to sell posters to nerd boys and figurines to girls but she is a win-win in my mind. For girls, she seems to be a strong, capable role model and for boys they will be fantasizing about a fully clothed and independent minded fictional character rather than stealing their dad’s playboys from under his bed.

“Ugh, they just put Legolas and Tauriel both in so they could have a cheesy, plot irrelevant romance.”- Yeah, I’m a little miffed about this aspect too. However, this alone is not reason to hate the entire franchise, just throw a tantrum in the theatre whenever they kiss and I will do the same.

“The first one was just so boring.”- Um, I’m sorry… what?! First of all, just no. Second, if that is someone’s opinion, nobody is forcing them at gunpoint to see these films (although watch out once I get my permit).

Every movie these days has a Michael Bay-esque explosion or a ninja fight on top of a moving train (not complaining about that one). Why can a series of cinematic masterpieces build a story and develop characters for a change? Is it really so terrible to be told a good story that takes some time to pick up? The second movie will deliver on the action, but now it feels like the audience has earned that by gathering important information in the first one. It is not boring, it is complex and in-depth; two traits I would personally like to see more.

“Peter Jackson just didn’t do a good job.”- As “nonono cat” would say… no no no. Peter Jackson is a fan just like anyone else. He read the books, he loved the story and he felt attached. Except in his case he actually did something about his fandom more than just bitching on websites about other people’s artistic endeavors. Jackson got studio funding, spent years of his life and poured over details to create one of the most impressive series of films of all time; he gets to do whatever he wants. If he chose to have the smurfs enter Smaug’s mountain and throw marshmallows at the dragon I would say, “you earned that sir.”

No matter what, Jackson was never going to please everyone so who can fault him for making the interpretation he wanted to see? I say, if someone wants to see different, they can make a movie.

Beyond just respecting Jackson’s hard work and dedication, these movies stand for everything Tolkien wanted. (Upcoming NM) In a 1951 letter J.R.R. Tolkien himself wrote of other artists taking Middle-earth further; he says, “The cycles should be linked to the majestic whole, and yet leave scope for other minds and hands, wielding paint and music and drama.” In simpler terms, art is art and we should all be positively looking to build each other up creatively. If all pieces stand on their own, not open for interpretation and collaboration we hurt ourselves and our endeavors.

None of this means that everyone has to like The Hobbit movies, but who turns down three pickles?

Bad Post…?

21 Nov

Thirty posts in thirty days is a tall order. I find myself hitting a point where each day I either don’t have anything to write about or I’m out of fuel to find the words for a chosen topic. I think the key here must be pushing through all of that.

People keep saying, “Just write anything, it doesn’t all have to be good, you just have to keep writing.” It’s not that I disagree, but it is so hard for me to hit publish on the days when I don’t feel proud of what I’ve written. I feel this icky twinge in the pit of my stomach when someone tells me they read my blog that day and I think, “Damn, I wish the post on my homepage had been something better.” or, “What if they hated it, think I’m terrible and never read my stuff again?!”

I guess it could happen that way; but in reality I need to try harder to believe in myself and that all this torturous creating will lead to something bigger. Someday I’ll have a really big idea or many of them and I’ll have the skill, confidence and experience to put it into just the right words. More than anything I need to just show myself that nothing can stop me from reaching this goal. On day thirty I’m sure I will say it was easy and that I have a handle on the habit, but there will always be another day of writer’s block. I am finding the benefits in writing bad posts, learning from them and moving on quickly; so that is truly valuable.

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