Onion Fingers

My fingers smell like onions; I have washed them 5 times since the problem began 6 hours ago.

I have used my ever reliable trick of rubbing them on stainless steel and experimented with multiple soaps to no avail.

I have this thing where I constantly sniff at my hands when they smell like onion. I don’t love the smell and I’m not sure what this accomplishes other than to a.) make me mildly nauseous and b.)make me look like a creep who sniffs her own fingers. I don’t realize I’m doing it until I catch myself in a daydream about stir-fry and notice that my digits are alarmingly close to my face. This usually prompts another attempt at scrubbing to get the scent out.

Why do onions make your hands smell for so long? I can chop any other vegetable without fear of these longstanding consequences (except for hot peppers; I learned my lesson about those and contact lenses the excruciating way). Isn’t it punishment enough that there is crying involved the chopping process? Do I also need to be marked like territory?

I am in this mess because I dedicated myself to prepping three pounds of cream pearled onions for Thanksgiving… there will be 8 people at my family meal and at least 3 of them definitely don’t even eat them. I may have gone overboard.

This whole task took me maybe two hours and the skin on my fingertips was wrinkled from the onion moisture, that speaks volumes. I have the sinking feeling that the onion juices seeped into my skin and I will smell like a Chili’s restaurant permanently.

I looked up ways to get the stench out and although I guess that these methods might work I take issue with how cuckoo and inconvenient some of them are:

Dip your hands in tomato juice for at least five minutes- Are we making salad fingers here?! (That cartoon series was amazing though, it is unrelated but I miss it).

Soak your hands in lemon juice or vinegar for three minutes- This is still suspiciously like making gross salad dressing but if it takes two less minutes than the tomato juice why wouldn’t I?

Rub your hands in peanut butter- Alright, this must be a prank to get me mauled by a dog, yes? If it’s not, I cannot imagine this wouldn’t end up being messy and greasy.

Wrap your fingers in duct tape and wait 30 minutes- Huh… nope. That’s such a long time considering I couldn’t possibly wrap both hands at once (and if I have to explain why, keep thinking, you will get there) this would be a minimum of an hour. Why does someone know this if the three minutes in lemon juice option exists?!

Wash your hands well with soap and water- LIE! Okay, if this one is on the list are the rest of them lies?! Is this whole thing an elaborate prank to get me to rub weird things on my hands? What sick mind would do this?!

Rub toothpaste on hands- Now I don’t believe anything this list has to say PLUS this one seems like the most expensive per ounce. Aquafresh is not cheap.

Rub your hands with a used coffee pod- I’m not positive that I even know what a coffee pod is, so I probably do not have one readily available.

Thanks internet, you’ve been helpful. I’m going to go make my hands into vinaigrette dressing, because that’s so much better.