Archive | February, 2012

Busted

27 Feb

What is it about being in the car that makes us feel at ease about what should be private behaviors? I’ve already discussed the shocking number of people who I have witnessed picking their nose behind the wheel (although they would all deny it), but even I am guilty of far more than the occasional nasal cleaning.

The worst thing I was ever caught doing while driving was about 8 years ago I was in a play and I was driving to rehearsal from work. Please understand that I had a long commute from one locale to the next and very little time to change… also there was traffic, making me even later for rehearsal. So I suppose the next part is obvious, girl in traffic decides to change, girl in traffic strips down to almost nothing, idiot girl in traffic forgets that the cars around her are still capable of moving, you get it. I attempted to gain some privacy by pulling all the way into the left lane so there was only cars on one side of me, then I stopped my car in the bumper to bumper, strategically between two cars in the row next to me. Of course nobody was moving while I was taking off items, but rest assured as soon as I was fully revealed (I can’t recall now why my bra ever came off) the lane next to me inched forward just enough so that there was a car directly next to me.

The young gentleman in the neighboring car looked bored and irritated by the holdup. He casually glanced at the car to his left, probably just because the range of things to look at while sitting still was minimal. The first time he turned his head he clearly didn’t register what was going on a mere eight feet away from him because he went right back to looking forward… then as though I could see the gears in his head turning as he realized what he had seen he whipped his head back towards me, looking embarrassed. What could he do? He didn’t seem like a pervert, but if you see a topless female in her car stopped on the highway next to you, what are you going to do, look away as a courtesy? I would never ask for a stranger to do me any such favors and I deserved to be seen considering the location of my makeshift dressing room.

I didn’t even have tinted windows… oh jeez, I hope if I ever have children that they aren’t girls, because as teenagers, we (as a gender) are not always the smartest.

Anyways, so after I had a moment of sheer terror that I had been seen I realized that this guy was enjoying the show, and as I said before, not in a skeezy way. He smiled the type of smile that said, “Wow, this is awkward for both of us” (because it was) and so I did the only thing I could think to do, after the instinctive covering of myself, I waved and smiled back.

I called my father later that day and recounted the events to him and his response was, “Well, at least you made his day, that must have been quite a sight during traffic!” and although this wasn’t the response I was expecting from my normally strict and somewhat protective father, he was probably right. At the very least that guy now has something to write about in his blog.

More on Burritos

25 Feb

I can always talk more about burritos because I love them and I think at this point I’m eating them 3-5 times a week, which for any one type of food is excessive. In my previous post about the art burrito crafting I left one one type of worker who I encountered the other day. This type is about as rare as they come and if we were on a safari of Chipotle employees in the wild, this would be the big moment where everyone got out their cameras and shoved to see.

The Overzealous People Pleaser

This worker will strike up conversation immediately because they are looking to make their work day go by a little faster. In the case of the guy I met the other day, he had a heavy hand with rice and beans and was about to skimp on my chicken and pico when I politely asked if I could just have a little more, this was his big chance. Now he had an opportunity to keep me talking to him longer and show me how we were now best friends by filling my delicious mexican dinner with more chicken and pico than any one burrito can handle. Once he arrived at the extras portion of the line (salsa, sour cream, lettuce, cilantro, etc.) he stated, “I don’t use this stuff on my burritos so I have no idea about portions”… that would have been very clear even if he had not warned me. He then proceeded to douse the pile of rice, beans and chicken with an obscene quantity of each item (including a handful of fresh chopped cilantro, which he oddly treated like lettuce) and by the time we had reached the end of the line and I looked at what he had to now roll up into a tortilla and it felt like a challenge that we were in together. I gave a half-laugh and commented that it looked like it might not make it into its final burrito form and he assured me that I shouldn’t give up hope.

He clearly wanted to impress, and to his credit he almost even ended up with something that I might have been able to eat as a wrap is intended to be eaten, but not quite. While he managed to roll everything into the warm tortilla, if I had tried to pick it up at any time after that it would have been a catastrophe. I don’t recall if it was my idea or his to put the final product in a to-go bowl so I could just eat it with a knife and fork, but it all worked out in the end.

That is a penny at the top to use as a gauge for size...

The bad part of this story occurs once the burrito is home… I want to say I tried to stop myself from eating it all, because I did try,I just wasn’t successful. On weight watchers I count my burrito for a set number of points no matter what the size (which is exactly why I have an inappropriate meltdown if they skimp). I was like a puppy who just broke into the treat cabinet and I gorged myself. See, when you are constantly watching your proportions you are never able to realize that super-full bloated feeling that hurts so good and this was an opportunity I wasn’t going to miss. I must say, when you put a truck load of every ingredient, it all comes together quite beautifully. It was delicious and I still managed to lose weight this week, so I guess that means it was actually only 15 points… I hope I get that guy again next time.

The Dreaded SSS: Part II

20 Feb

So can you believe that this morning while enjoying my breakfast at my favorite diner a couple came in and sat beside each other in their booth? Did they not read my previous rant? If they are still choosing to display SSS behavior because they hadn’t read my post about it yet, that is just irresponsible. Clearly, if your actions are irritating me, you should stop them.

I managed to snap a photo of the infraction as evidence.

20120220-221948.jpg

I know my boob is overwhelmingly prominent in this photo, but just this once try to ignore that and notice the SSS' to my left

I think the guy in this photo may have noticed me doing something funny with my phone, but whatever. I might be photographing strangers so I can later make fun of them on my blog read by my mom, but you are the creepy one, so you can’t be upset.

What is particularly interesting about this couple is that they sat beside each other when they arrived and remained that way while they ordered, then when their food came, the girl moved to the other side of the booth… I don’t know which one of the two made that decision, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be in that conversation. “Hey darling, I love sitting this close to you but now that the food is here maybe I/you should move.” Awkward.

If I believed that they had an actual system worked out where they had found a balance between remaining close and affectionate and still maintaining the appropriate amount of space while eating I could condone this, but I’m not buying it. How did the other person feel when their partner asked them to please move because the food was there? Clearly this now sends the message, “Hey, you’re great until my meal arrives, and then I really need some space to focus on that… go away.” If I were the one who had suggested SSS in the first place I would assume that the other person had never wanted it and feel uncomfortable that they had said yes when clearly they wanted me on the opposite side of the table (but I’m a cuckoo clock so I shouldn’t project on this). I think it is worse that they started next to each other and then didn’t commit to spending the entire meal this way; not that it doesn’t make sense to cuddle a little and then separate for eating, but things are never that simple.

The lesson here? If you are doing something that irritates me, stick with it because your changing of the behavior mid-behavior irritates me more than the original infraction. I don’t understand it and I can’t wrap my head around it so it must be bad. Plus, this couple’s rational decision making when the food came almost ruined my post idea for the day and I don’t like it one bit. Thank goodness I can think on my toes and roll with the punches.

The Dreaded SSS

18 Feb

I consider myself a very affectionate person and I have always participated in public displays of affection that I’m sure made the cynics of the world squirm. Yet, even though I crave romance and I’m always rooting for love there is one thing I can just never get on board with— couples who sit on the same side of the table at restaurants.

As I see it, you are out together so you can talk and interact, but isn’t that made harder by being side by side? Personally, I want to be able to see the person I’m with straight on; there can always be flirting with feet under the table if you are feeling starved for contact. The impression I get from these couples is that they are in their own little world and they don’t care if they are making others uncomfortable. Can they really not wait until they are home to be next to each other? Maybe they have abandonment issues.

The worst is when you are out on a date and the guy is a same-side-sitter (SSS as I will now call them) and I have to be rude to him within the first two minutes of our evening to tell him to please move. This isn’t to say that I don’t try to be polite about it, I might make some cute excuse like, “I just love looking into your eyes” but in reality, my mind is saying “Since you have revealed yourself to be an SSS this will be our only date, so let’s not get too attached.” I’m sorry, is this making me sound cynical? I swear I’m not, but there is something alarming about the neediness of it all that makes me feel like this guy is going to be the same one who calls me for the next ten years after our one unsuccessful date.

How uncomfortable would you be if you went to lunch with a co-worker or friend and they sat in the booth next to you, leaving the other side empty? It would be unheard of, and not simply because the relationship doesn’t call for that kind of proximity but also because it is odd to have to turn all the way to the side to talk. I get uncomfortable when I go out to meet a group and accidentally end up sitting two on a side before the others have arrived, and that is only temporary. I just don’t want anyone to think for even a second that I’m an SSS, so I might get up to use the bathroom or “stretch my legs” while I wait for the remainder of my party. Maybe now I’m sounding too paranoid and a little insane, but some of you must understand, right?SSS Meme

The World is Your Trash Recepticle

16 Feb

While we are on the subject of driving, I feel I should address those of you who keep a messy car. I take no issue with someone wanting to clutter their own space as I too have been known to let my back seat pile up. What I do have a problem with is when you decide that you can’t take the mess anymore and you want to clean out your car and do so by throwing your trash out the window… you must be kidding.

Has Captain Planet and his gang of ethnically diverse preteens taught us nothing?!?! What is it about being in your car that you are suddenly exempt from normal social etiquette? If your office was a mess and you opened up the window and started throwing files onto the street people would think you had lost your mind. But oh, now you are in your vehicle and you can drive away from the crime scene so you can wash your hands of it, that’s reasonable. Maybe I will put my trash on your front lawn, I figure if you don’t see me do it and I run away really fast it is practically like it didn’t happen. Heck, I don’t care if your yard looks bad, I don’t have to look at it, right? Am I capturing your mindset accurately here or am I still missing something?

Also, the size of the trash does not deem it more or less trash-like, and I’m mostly referring to cigarette butts here. I think they are gross before you even open the pack, but once you’ve touched it and put it in your mouth it reaches a whole new level of horrible. I guess it makes sense, why would you want that nasty thing in your car, it might make things stink and look bad, therefore it belongs in nature. I have heard that planet earth has the capability to absorb used cigarettes and convert them into energy so clearly you are just supporting sustainability practices.

For those extra special pricks, taking the final sips of their super-sized McDonald’s soda and then tossing the giant empty cup directly out the window, I have to ask… are you for real? Now imagine you are at a restaurant and you finish your meal, would you just pick up your plate and throw it on the floor? Of course not, because at a restaurant there is someone being paid to clean up after you. Nobody deserves to be the person assigned to picking up your garbage, I don’t care if they are criminals and this is their community service. Imagine if we all stopped junking up our highways, we might be able to put those workers on a task that wasn’t the equivalent of being your personal butler.

Since this is a rather short post and I feel I have not fully gotten the message across, I will just let my all time favorite furry friend tell you what they think about your littering, maybe he can get you to take this more seriously… here.

Kindly Get Out of My Way

15 Feb

I remember driver’s ed like it was yesterday. For some reason I loved that class and I can still recall most of what I learned about the rules of the road; the little things like, who has the right of way at a 4-way stop sign or how to merge into a rotary. I’m guessing that many of you have forgotten a lot of these details and need a little recap, because when I drive on the highway I’m pretty sure I’m one of the last remaining drivers who knows how to use the left lane.

The left lane is for passing. Are you with me so far? This means that unless you are passing someone, you should not be there. I have noticed that many of you are getting into the left lane and just casually riding along with nobody in any of the lanes around you… why? Worse than that are those of you who pass the car in the middle lane that is going 40mph but then the car in front of it doing 60 is the one you want to ride alongside. Is your buddy in that car? Are you signing through the windows about where to meet for some gelato? PASS HIM.

This often feels like an eternity and the car in the left lane will pull ahead just a little and you think you’ll be able to just pass the car in the middle lane and scoot ahead of him, but no. The idiot in the left lane panics when they realize that they are passing a car, so now they might be speeding and they could die. Better slow back down and keep pace with the car next to you, let’s not go all daredevil here. It always feels like some sort of idiot phenomenon when you are on a three to five lane highway and cars in every lane line up alongside each other and travel as though they are in a pack together. It is truly an amazing sight to see, like a flock of rams in a field just running into each other and banging their heads over and over.

I can understand when sometimes you get into the left lane to pass a few cars and then your favorite Toni Braxton song comes on and you have to belt it out. You are a pop star and I love you for that and it’s alright to lose track of what you’re doing when your big solo starts. I will give you a courtesy flash of my lights as a friendly reminder to please speed up or change lanes. What’s that? I’ve interrupted your high note and now I’m the asshole? Well surely if you are that mad at me you should teach me a lesson by slowing down and not getting out of my way. It’s the only way I will ever learn.

Is it complicated? Am I expecting too much here? Riding in the right hand lanes doesn’t make you less hip and nobody thinks less of you. In my opinion, if you are speeding in the slow lane when the roads are empty you’re just smart; statistically you are less likely to get pulled over in any lane other than the passing, even at the same speeds. But really, you can’t recognize that maybe you lost track of what you were doing and just pull aside for three seconds while I politely pass you? It feels like a teenager who gets upset with their parent because they found marijuana and the teen then claims that they are now furious that their privacy was invaded, so they are off the hook. Don’t play that game with me. I might be handling the situation wrong by riding up your back end and screaming sweet nothings about your mother, but let us not forget why this started… you wanted to teach me a lesson by pissing me off, what did you expect, a thank you note? I’m sorry I didn’t think of a better way to communicate my wants and needs, I thought flashing my lights was the friendliest option. Next time I’ll invest in an engraved invitation sent to you personally, courtesy of the middle lane.

Spreading The Love?

13 Feb

I think I hate Valentines day. Before you go getting upset, let me explain myself; I love Valentines day (no I’m not trying to contradict myself). What I hate are the people who bitch about the holiday and act like they are badass because they are rejecting the whole concept. You are not super cool, we see right through it. What is even better are the girls who say they hate Valentines day to a guy they are into, just so he will think she is low-maintenance. Then, the next year, when they are dating… BOOM, suddenly if you aren’t lighting candles and paying for a fancy meal, you are an ass.

We have all spent at least one V-Day as a single, and I admit it makes the day harder, but do you have to whine? You know the girls I’m talking about, instead of just being adults about it they have to talk about it days or weeks in advance, to mention (in case they haven’t 1,000 times already) that they are dreading it. Well don’t you think bringing it up starting when CVS breaks out the sweet tart hearts is just making it worse? Try this instead– shutting up.

It is a Hallmark holiday, nobody gets it off from work, we don’t shop for months preparing for it, no religion is demanding that we recognize it, so if you are feeling a bit lonely this year, maybe try making plans with some friends and pretending it’s just a normal day. Don’t go twisting what I say here and get your girlfriends together for a hate fest where you all get together like a pack of rabid hyenas, gripe about dating and cry as you eat your second pint of Ben and Jerry’s. This type of display is beneath you and you know it.

As I said once already, I love this holiday. I think it is a lovely excuse to rekindle a little romance, get out of the house or just commit to spending some time with people you love, reminding them you appreciate them. One year my best friend Jamie was my Valentine, and I highly recommend her, she was wonderful.  I am not asking you to like it, but when is it ever ok to make a spectacle about hating something?  I really hate cantaloupe, but if someone else was eating and enjoying it you wouldn’t catch me saying, “Oh, wow, you’re eating that? I never eat that, I’m boycotting it because everyone else who likes it makes me feel left out and when I feel left out I throw a tantrum.” Are you ladies even listening to yourselves? Giving the holiday that much attention is the only thing giving it any power over you.

If you just look for the silver lining you will make the whole month of February easier for yourself. I believe that the whole day is worth looking forward to just for the discounted candy that they mark down the day after. Don’t mark the 14th on your calendar, change things up and make it a special occasion by going to the grocery on the 15th and stocking up on red and pink M&M’s (because they are pretty colors, not because they might remind you that you are alone and give you an excuse for a pity party). The day is what you make of it and from those of us who want to just enjoy it all, please keep your bitterness to yourself.

I’m sure this plea won’t spare me from the endless Facebook posts tomorrow about how you just bought a dozen roses just to cut them up and laugh in the face of romance. Yes, you win. You really showed that jerk Saint Valentine. Now next year the holiday will be cancelled because you were boycotting it. Job well done. Imagine what else you could accomplish with that kind of drive and passion.

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