While scrolling through today’s entertainment news I came across freshly released photos of Mariah Carey’s twins… Monroe and Moroccan. I couldn’t make that up if I tried, they really named them that. While trying to figure out if that was enough fodder for todays post I scrolled to the next story about Beyonce and Jay-Z’s newborn… wait for it… Blue Ivy.
I guess it will be nice if all these celebrity kids go to school together because they can all hang out at the nurses office after they get the crap kicked out of them. When they arrive they will see Kal-el Coppola Cage with a bloody nose, Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor weeping in the corner and Michael Jackson’s son Blanket sucking his thumb under the nurses desk.
What, because you are famous you don’t have to follow the standards of society? Some of these assholes aren’t even trying anymore, for example the Zappa kids are named, Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, Dweezil and Ahmet. Really? Were these randomly pulled from a bad game of Scrabble? Did you just decide that it would get you some attention and the long term emotional well being of your children was unimportant?
When Gwyneth Paltrow named her first born daughter Apple she went on Oprah and gave this explanation, “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and … clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!'” I really like tomatoes, but you don’t see me even naming my dog that. I wish my life was so charmed and I had so much money that I could just pick any word or words that came to mind and write them willy-nilly on a birth certificate. Speaking of fun with words, we must discuss celebrity chef Jamie Oliver’s children, Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom and Rainbow. What an ass.
I suppose they assume that money will buy their kids a way out of torment and ridicule. As if being famous makes their names now cool and popular. It could also be a case of wanting their children to be different and creatively free and unique. If free-spiritedness is the new trend why name our kids at all? Let’s take it to the next level and just wait until our babies are old enough to speak, then let them name themselves. I have to be honest here, Gah-go0 is almost better than anything else I’ve listed above, these newborns might be smarter than their parents. If common names are thought to limit an artists creative potential, we should be willing to let them have complete freedom over what they will be called. We should no longer oppress our babies by shackeling them with a name that they may or may not want down the line.
If my parents had gone by this ideal I would have named myself around the age of 3 and I would have called myself “Fee-oom”, but that is a whole other story I guess.
Learning to be Funny 
“I already have all the names picked out. If it’s a girl, Bookcase… or Sandstorm… or maybe Hat, but that’s more of a boy’s name.” -Cerie on 30 Rock
Honestly? Random noun names are better than stringing random letters together and adding “isha” or “iqua” or “arion” at the end and calling it a day.
“Propoabiqua”
“Lawdrawquarion”
“Malfutrisha”
I could go on and on.
Also: Do not spell your child’s name stupidly and think your clever. Her name is Rebecca, not fucking Rihbykeigh. Your dooming her to a life of mispronunciation.
LOLOLOL forgot about Fi-yoom!!