Tolkien Resolutions For 2013

I resolved to write in my blog every day this week. What does it say about me that my goal was a week long instead of committing to something for the year? Does it say lazy or am I so realistic that I’m actually a super genius because I’m setting myself up for success? Last year I said I would write in my blog every day for a year, by the end of 2012 I believe I was at 57 posts… because there are 57 days in a year…

I’m not sure what I should be resolving for the entire year. I just finished watching the extended version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy films and I feel it was the right way to bring in the new year; I learned a lot from each character.

Frodo made me feel that it’s important to have a purpose. It doesn’t matter how you behave once you’ve set a goal, so long as you have that to tell people about, you can behave as poorly as you’d like. If you are in the middle of a major task you should feel free to yell at your friends because why the heck do they think it’s okay to butt in (you are the important one after all). You should also be trusted to decide when you need a breather, even if that moment is when you are staring a Black Rider in the face. If people are foolish enough to rally together to help you out as a team (or fellowship, as it were), just run away and tell as few of them as possible that you are taking off. Let them find their own way to be relevant, they shouldn’t be stealing your cool plans.

Is this the face of someone insignificant to the group and the storyline?! I think not; this is my super serious face.

Legolas taught me that it is important to look to the future. When you are struggling with this it is also acceptable to look off into the distance with a serious look on your face; as long as you appear to be contemplating things, people will think you’re wise. If you want to seem extra smart, listen closely to what the people around you are saying and then repeat it with gusto, after all, repetition helps ideas to sink in. If nobody in the area is saying anything just look around and narrate something obvious in a really dramatic fashion, it makes it appear as though you are in the know.

Gimli inspired me to try to grow an awesome beard. I think this is the year.

Gandalf influenced me to assert myself more. When things aren’t going his way he just puffs up his chest, raises his super important staff and scolds everyone. I have a tough time with confrontation but he shows me that I can talk down to everyone and still be considered important and awesome. I think getting a big stick to carry around would help me not only remember this lesson, but also, if my yelling wasn’t up to par, I could just hit people with it.

Arwen shows me that love is worth fighting for. It is also worth almost dying, abandoning your family, doming yourself to grief and giving up super awesome immortality for… ok maybe all I got from her is that sheer fabrics are going to be hot again this year.

I’m here and I’m disheveled, therefore you know I’m about to say something wild and important.

Aragorn is really daring, and makes me wonder if I should take more risks in my day to day. At the very least I think I should start entering rooms that have double doors by pushing them both open full force and proclaiming my intentions at maximum volume. I bet I could pull off arriving everywhere on horseback too; that would be badass and eco-friendly. Plus, he looks seriously good for someone in their eighties – he must moisturize daily. I should get back to my nightly regimen.

Samwise is the greatest of them all. Thanks to him I now understand the importance of loyalty. Even when the hobbit you are loyal to yells at you, mistrusts your intentions, allows other people to call you fat to your face, almost lets you drown and abandons you to hang out with someone else, you have to remain the bigger person. Go ahead, let them think they saved the world and destroyed the ring, the smart people will see the truth. Plus, they are your friend and to be honest they don’t really have anything going for them if you blow their cover on what really went down in Mordor. Let them have it.

For those of you who understood none of this post because you have not read the books or seen the films, maybe your resolution should be to get on that. Seriously, it’s 2013 and you’re kind of behind.

I obviously need the full year to master my Legolas face

2 thoughts on “Tolkien Resolutions For 2013”

  1. This is SO funny! I haven’t laughed this hard since your blog about UGG boots!!! I already sent a suggestion for Part II (as you requested) to your Facebook. I can’t wait to see what you do with them!! (No pressure….)

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