It is Saturday night, which for a pigskin lover such as myself means that I am only one night of sleep away from Sunday football. I play fantasy football with some friends and I’m not great at picking winners, so I have decided on a new strategy. I will predict the winning teams based on the imagined outcome of an actual fight between each team’s mascot as a real animal/person/thing. Make sense? I’ll just dive right in; here are the match ups for tomorrows games:
- Colts vs. Titians- A horse and a mythical giant… let’s not pretend this one isn’t easy to figure out. A Titan could simply step on said horse, battle over; not a very long or interesting matchup. Boo.
- Jets vs. Bills- The mascot on the Bills helmet is a buffalo. A bison going up against what I picture as a jumbo jet on a airport landing strip seems messy and traumatizing. Don’t think about it if you haven’t already, my apologies if it is too late.
- Ravens vs. Bears- Birds always have the advantage of flying away, but in this game I imagine that the two mascots in question are forced into combat and retreating isn’t an option to win. So bear vs. raven is a quick win for the bear.
- Raiders vs. Texans- This makes me think of modern day pirates fighting a cowboy hat wearing, steak eating, truck driving Texan born fellow and I have to say I am heavily favoring the pirate. Texans would be caught so off guard by land pirates that even their gun toting couldn’t get them out of this one.
- Cardinals vs. Jaguars- These poor birds; they seem to be paired up with large predatory mammals this week. No good for my avian friends… red feathers everywhere.
- Redskins vs. Eagles- This one seems like it could be historically accurate and I believe the bow and arrows give the Redskins (is this seriously not racist?! How did this name get approved by the NFL or am I missing something?) a clear win over the only bird that might have had a fighting chance against the weaponless mammals.
- Lions vs. Steelers– A lion fighting a steel worker… that poor guy. I bet he was making minimum wage and didn’t ever expect to be going up against an enormous clawed kitty when he clocked in today.
- Falcons vs. Buccaneers- Falcons seem scrappy to me so I think if they could claw at the buccaneers face a bit they could gain the upper hand. I’m calling this one for the birds because I am feeling bad for them at this point. (Note: this post also taught me how to spell Buccaneer… and there is NOT a “k” in that word).
- Chargers vs. Dolphins- Lightning bolt versus sea creature?! I think San Diego had the right idea naming their team because I cannot picture too many other mascots beating an electrical force of nature. Crispy dolphin is now on the menu.
- 49ers vs. Saints- Today I learned what a 49er is, they were apparently gold prospectors who migrated to California. Hooray for history, but Saints have magical abilities so they get the gold this time around.
- Vikings vs. Seahawks- Ugh, more birds eh? They almost always lose, I’m sorry but they just don’t have much to fight with.
- Chiefs vs. Broncos- More potential historical accuracy and more potential racism! The Chiefs have the hunting experience and the intellectual upper hand.
- Patriots vs. Panthers- At first I had the visual of a man in colonial garb getting mauled by a panther and for some reason it made me giggle picturing that funny triangle hat flying off. Then I was reminded that the Patriots have guns, so now I am sad for the sweet fuzzy panther.
- Packers vs. Giants- I have no idea what a packer is but I will spare myself looking it up because I’m sure that no matter what it cannot beat a friggin GIANT. So big.
- Browns vs. Bengals- Originally I was under the impression that this was a brown bear and I thought for a moment that I’d be forced to figure out the tough call of bear vs. kitty; untrue. The Browns were actually named for their original head coach Paul Brown… that clipboard cannot save you now Coach.
Learning to be Funny 