Well I’ve made it. This post is officially my last in the challenge to write 30 times in 30 days. From the start I wanted to make it to this point but I wasn’t always sure I would. I took on this task as a quick decision when I saw that a website was running National Blog Posting Month (why is it every month is now 100 different things?) I didn’t think through what it would mean beyond knowing I would have to make time each day to write; I didn’t foresee all the other priorities that would merge with it.
I had just gone through a severe ah-ha moment realizing that I had been so okay emotionally about my mother’s passing because I had been avoiding life. I cracked and broke and suddenly felt all that I had been avoiding like a tsunami. Once I decided to take control of my responsibilities I was vulnerable, sad and scared but also proud. I wanted to start to regain my life so the first step, which is usually viewed as the toughest, was actually the simplest.
In the beginning it was easy to find topics as I had a backlog of ideas and posting everyday felt good so I liked making the time for it. About halfway through, the constant flow of material came to a dead stop. I started to resent having to make something out of nothing. Everything I wrote wasn’t good enough or felt inorganic in a way that I perceived as failing. Then, predictably, I missed a day. After that I would write some days but watched myself fall further and further behind. I would always say, “tomorrow I will write two” and that was continually pushed back to make room for the things I still felt accomplished about.
Keep in mind that the major issue was that I took this all on in the same month that I decided to go back on Weight Watchers, take up training for a 5k, was rehearsing for a lead in a play, commuted to Boston for classes preparing me for an improv graduate show, started a new internship, cooked a Thanksgiving meal for my family, practiced with a sketch group I had just joined and tried to keep up with all the other things in life I had a handle on prior. None of them seemed like something I could either drop or half-ass, so I just kept pushing. A month later I am down just under 10lbs, can run eight minute intervals, opened my show with great success, made major strides with writing for my class, kept up with my responsibilities at a new company, completed the turkey dinner, starred in two sketch shows and my pets are all still alive and content.
I think it’s funny that today was opening night of my show as well as the day I hit post number 30. It is also my half-birthday; a day celebrated only and always by my cuckoo and wonderfully affectionate mother. It’s so funny how little coincidences happen that way. Today was mine to conquer.
A few days ago when discussing with those close to me that I had eight posts to catch up on in three days I was advised to feel proud of how much I’d done and not be so hard on myself if I didn’t make 30. With so many other things looming and a distinct cold forming in my body, I knew I would be able to stop at 25 or 26 posts and have rationale.
I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I needed to finish. To get to 28 or 29 would be a shame and a disappointment. What would it have said about my ability to really follow through? To almost make it, in life, is not enough to get very far and I want to shatter everyone’s expectations about what I can accomplish.
So post number 30 is dedicated to me. I will write again soon as this only marks the end of my first goal. Next up is the promise I made to my mom in January to write more posts this year than I did last year, so I need 14 more before New Years. Tonight I am basking in my own glow and tomorrow I will get up and keep going forward. There is always more to achieve.