The Art of Burrito

One of my favorite foods is burritos. Creating the perfect burrito is an art form and if you get an amateur, it can really mess up the day. From poor service to your classic case of stupidity, here are some examples of the worst kinds of burrito technicians:

1. The New Guy

The new guy is the one who puts less than the optimum amount of filling in the wrap because he/she knows that they aren’t adept at rolling it all up neatly. The aptitude it takes to get a tight wrap (that’s what she said) without tearing (I swear I was’t trying to make this dirty, I just can’t seem to get away from it) can takes months of practice. I just don’t appreciate that because you aren’t good at your job, I am getting less food than the guy behind me in line ordering the same thing from the burrito master. Sometimes I get bold and say, “Can I just have a little more chicken on that”… which sometimes leads to the response, “You’ll have to pay extra for double meat”. This puts our new guy into the next category;

2. The Bitter Worker

This is pretty self explanatory but the symptoms of this character can be very different. Sometimes you have the mean spirited, “I’ve been here all day and I’m not trying anymore” employee that  really only hates their job, not you. Worse is the emo underpaid worker who hates everyone, so they want you to hate them; this way they can justify hating you so when they go to sleep at night they are the victims. In the instance of the latter I just try to kill them with kindness, “Oh of course I’ll pay for the extra meat, no problem. I assumed I would be!” Prick.

This conversation can also frequently mean you are in direct contact with the bitterest of them all,

3. The Owner

Every grain of rice and every squeeze of lime is money straight out of their pockets. Usually they want to seem like they are hooking you up with extra ingredients by piling an entire head of shredded lettuce on top, but every other component is measured with pinpoint accuracy so you don’t walk out of there with even one spare bean. This leads to more of an unsavory, dressing-less salad torpedo thing… not a delicious mexican treat.

As I said, creating these hand held phenomenons takes someone with a vision so even if they have been around long enough to consider themselves world class, they may fall into one final category;

4 . The Moron

They are trying, I get that. I love that they chat with me as they pile ingredients high, knowing that they are soon going to impress me with their ability to make an impossible amount of food fit into one very thin wrap. The problem arises when you look at how they are constructing it. A giant pile of rice with double the standard of black beans… then he realizes that he has already put too much food on this to be able to wrap it; he finishes with 2 bits of chicken and one half squirt of sour cream. This summons the monster of a meal containing bites of singular ingredients. “Mmm, rice. Yum, black beans! Wait, was that chicken?!?! WOAH, I think in that bite I just found actual moisture!”

I dare say that on the days I go and the burrito master is working I actually feel my heart jump. I will stand near the formed line and pretend to look at the menu board until the right number of people are ahead of me to insure I get the master. One time I even told him that he was my favorite… although in hind sight I think it may have just creeped him out.