Magic Pink Medicine

I feel that Pepto Bismol is the cure for everything. I’m like the strict greek father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who believes that Windex is a cure all. I think part of the reason I love it so much is that it is a pretty color, but also, who likes diarrhea? Very few things feel worse than running back and forth to the bathroom, and the second you swallow that smooth pink liquid a cool coated feeling fills your body.

Whenever I hear about someone spending a ton of time on the toilet pooing, I wonder why they don’t just cut the shit (pun intended) and take some Pepto. I myself will stand at the open medicine cabinet and chug it right from the bottle, similarly to how I drink OJ at the fridge. I realize the downside is that it makes your bowel movements look a bit apocalyptic for a few days, but it seems a small price to pay to avoid accidentally sharting in public. I sharted once, and trust me, if you aren’t near a shower and a clean pair of panties it is traumatizing.

I can also get on board with any product that has a catchy tune and a dance to match. Those people are really grooving to their nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. See that? I know exactly what it is good for because I learned something from an ad. It’s like in 4th grade when I learned that the hang-y ball in the back of your throat is called a uvula from a pop tarts commercial; I still know that today. It confuses me why people who watch constant television are usually dumb, maybe they are missing all the useful knowledge provided in ads or maybe they are watching a channel with no commercials like PBS? You won’t learn a thing from them (except for Sesame Street, because those monsters sing jingles).

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