Excuses, Excuses

Two weeks since my last post. Don’t worry though, I had good reason to abandon this project for so long, fourteen good reasons actually. I shouldn’t call them excuses because each rationale was completely legitimate but I’m sure they will come off as me trying to cover my ass, so for the sake of humbling myself to my audience I will call them excuses just this once.

Day 1; Cooking dinner wore me out- I had actually started a post about rude people at concerts (which I’m sure you’ll see published soon) while I was making homemade pizzas. Of course they turned out so good that I had to reward my culinary talents by taking a night off from writing. Also, it’s pretty tiring scattering toppings onto crusts and mastering the ratio of sauce to cheese; I’m sure some of you can understand that I was drained.

Day 2; Rehearsal- I’m in an upcoming production of Our Town and this was right when my schedule went from once a week or so to 3-5 days a week, so naturally I had a lot on my mind.

Day 3; Exhaustion- From rehearsal, remember?

Day 4; Shame- After I realized that it had been four days since I had last written I assumed that my readers were all sitting home laughing at my failure. I felt so much pressure to make my comeback post awesome that I was rejecting every idea that came my way. I lost my funny.

Day 5; Guilt- I had received a few comments from people I knew saying that they missed the daily postings and I suddenly felt like I had let everyone down. I suppose I had been downplaying my celebrity status and I should have realized that this tiny blog is changing lives. Without it, others start to lose faith in the world and the whole system crumbles. I am probably now somehow to blame for the starving children in Bolivia… darn.

Day 6; Sniffles– This may seem minor but you never know when an uncared for sniffle will turn into swine flu or small pox. As someone who actually had swine flu, I don’t take any chances. I take my vitamin C, drink all the juice in the region and go straight to bed. I cannot be expected to exert myself or my brain when I’m on the verge of a life threatening illness.

Day 7; A Cold- See?!?! I told you this would happen. I think it got to this point because I was watching TV and lifting my many remotes (a post for another day maybe), I have four remotes for one TV setup, it’s madness. I’m actually amazed that with that much physical activity I wasn’t sicker, I will call it a miracle and next time try to be less reckless.

Day 8; Emotional Recovery- Each time I am sick I try to give myself a day to recover emotionally after I am cured. I think it is important to appreciate that you had a brush with death and came out alive. I use this day to indulge in whatever I want to do most and what with feeling exhausted, shamed and guilty already I certainly wasn’t feeling capable of writing something that would get a laugh.

Day 9; Work Deadlines- The writing I do that pays me certainly has to take priority over everything else and since I was in the midst of a very tough week I was running behind my deadline. If I’m going to panic, procrastinate and avoid my magazine articles it just doesn’t seem right to sit down and write for pleasure. In case my editors or publishers read this I wouldn’t want them to say, “Well her fingers obviously aren’t broken, so what’s going on?” This was one massive coverup.

Day 10; Messy Apartment- I should clarify that this doesn’t imply that I cleaned my apartment this day, thus missing a post; rather this is explaining that the state of my apartment was a very telling indicator of my mental state. I felt like I was living in squalor and it was no place to generate humor.

Day 11; Fell Asleep Early- The thought of cleaning my apartment really wore me out and I passed out on the couch early. I swear by this point I had intended to start writing here again but the mental strain was clearly more than I could handle.

Day 12; Cleaning the Apartment- My method of throwing clothes onto the closet floor in a pile, putting all kitchen items into the dishwasher and shifting everything else into the spare room (now officially the “junk room”) takes a lot out of me. All that bending and tossing really puts pressure on my back and sometimes the start button on my dishwasher requires a little added pressure to work. I can barely live under these conditions, I should just bite the bullet and hire a maid… not because I’m lazy, but rather because I need to save my energy for this blog.

Day 13; Pooter Attack- Those of you who have met my cat Pooter, know that he is a terrorist. He waits behind furniture to strike and can only be distracted from his dastardly plans by a laser toy, feathers or copious amounts of catnip. I was sitting down at the computer desk so I didn’t have quick access to any of these decoys.  I was all ready to write a post this day and Pooter shattered my confidence and rocked my emotional well being. He made it clear that he didn’t want me writing that day and who am I to question him? I would estimate that I’m getting pounced on enough to warrant an added trip to my therapist each week.

Day 14; Planning for the Apocalypse- I’m sure there is a religious nut somewhere predicting that the end is near and I certainly don’t want to be unprepared due to a silly blog entry. How dumb would I feel if I hadn’t stocked up on spam?

I think it is clear that I am ready to move forward and go back to writing regularly and may I just say that I appreciate you all being so understanding of my recent hard times. Between my cold and my live in murderer it’s a wonder I was even ready to write today, but what can I say… I’m committed. So, to the starving kids of Bolivia, you are welcome.