Dusting Off

Yesterday was brutal. After the post I wrote, I continued to struggle emotionally. Then, more “terrible-awful” got tacked on to the day: I found out I didn’t get a gig I auditioned for and got into a useless fight with one of my bosses which ended my time at that job.

Each individual occurrence is normally manageable; but when things come in threes and all within the span of three hours I am less equipped.

Then a funny thing happened; I took a shower. This in itself is not super unusual or funny, but yesterday I really needed it. I sat under the hot water and cried, not uncontrollably and not for long but just enough to be done. The water actually and metaphorically changed the tide.

It was as though the large amount of bad cancelled itself out. When I arrived at my other job, a place I love with people who make me constantly smile I was so ready to laugh. It wasn’t the smoothest night of bar tending but over the course of the evening, for each problem I found a mini resolution.

For the fight with my friend I had other friends, tons of them, sending me sweet, encouraging and loving texts. I was reminded that not only do I have a lot of friends, I am the lucky girl who has a lot of friends who are like family. Really good friends are in my corner through everything (my comedy friend included even if we hit a bump yesterday). It doesn’t stop the hurt of what was said in the fight, but it redefined what the day was about for me. Now it was about my other friends and family and not just him.

For the audition I didn’t get, I spoke to some people who also didn’t get cast and a few who did and realized we will all just audition again and sometimes it is my time and sometimes it is not. The cuckoo thing is that if that had been the only thing that happened yesterday it would have rolled off much smoother. I think this was a case of feeling overwhelmed and needing something positive and only having more garbage fall from the sky. This one was easy to move forward from when I singled it out and took some time to think about it.

As for the job and my now former boss. I wanted to be done for a long time. I was staying out of loyalty, love for the bar and the people that became my regulars. I was constantly sad to watch that ship sinking and it was time to exit even if I didn’t feel ready in that moment. I wish it had gone down another way, but I suppose I should have known that when things are out of control and someone is floundering, they will rarely handle things rationally. How did I get over this? Well I went to my other job where my wonderful boss informed me that he needed me on the nights I had freeing up. Then I worked my tokhis off and made four times the amount I would have made at the other bar. I’ll say that again because it feels good: four times as much.

When I arrived home at 4am I was tired and content. I snuggled up with my critters who reminded me as always that I am missed. I got into bed knowing I had turned things around, and not because anything was actually resolved or different, but just because I decided I was good. It took a little time to get there and I’m sure I’ll slip again, but this was a proud moment for me to see how much I’ve grown and how capable I am of handling anything. Sometimes that’s a reminder worth suffering for.