My Neighbors

I live in a large renovated mill building containing well over one hundred apartments. The general feel of the people here is relaxed, the median age is probably 30 and most residents have a dog or two. There is a community room with a pool table, television, fireplace and seating that brings people together often. Outside we are lucky enough to have a river walk on the water with patio furniture, grills and the ability to project movies onto the side of the building. There is always parties, gatherings, meet and greets and most everyone I pass in the halls is friendly and chatty.

With all that said I don’t actually know anyone in my building beyond a few dog names, elevator conversations and quick casual run ins. This has not stopped me from knowing some of the residents here… I just classify them in my own way.

Elephant Man (Upstairs)- He of course lives directly above me ands walks as though his apartment was a nonstop jewish wedding where he was dared to smash an endless supply of wine glasses. His step is more than heavy, more than determined, more than lumbering; he is competing to make it on the national tour of Stomp. I have met him exactly one time when I first moved in. I was building Ikea furniture in my new place and was hammering away at the back panel that comes standard with any piece when I heard a knock at my door. The man on the other side was a hefty (fat is really the word here) unpleasant fireman who introduced himself as my upstairs neighbor. He then proceeded to tell me that I was making too much noise. I was making too much noise. Yep.

Yappy Satan Dog (Down the hall)- Let me first point out that I know very few people who love and appreciate animals as much as I do, but I have actually thought through a plan to poison this creature. My frequent interactions with it happen through the front door of his abode, because if you walk by he knows and he wants you dead. I know which apartment he is in and yet I jump out of my skin every time I pass by and he starts flipping out. The level of rage built up in this tiny monster is impressive and terrifying and I’m still unsure if the door is enough protection. I have recently tried new tactics of passing by in the hallway where I hold my keys tightly so they cannot jingle (thus digging into my skin… worth it) I plan my footwear as ballet flats for maximum sneakability and hold my breath as I tip-toe past. It worked once and I walked away feeling like I had just defeated Germany in WWII. All the other times he can smell my fear and reminds me that I am never safe. Seeing him out in the world on his walks he looks like a ten pound dachshund, but I know better, he is evil incarnate.

Single Guy (Second Floor)- How do I know he is single? He wanted me to know it, along with his apartment number, favorite restaurant and how flattering my dress was to my figure. Dude, if you are reading this: Stop taking the elevator from the second floor to go down, it makes my ride longer and I cannot get past my anger at this to feel admired. Also, you could use the cardio the stairs provide to deal with all that hot air you’re blowing.

Screaming Baby (Across The Hall)- The family moved in a few short months ago and in no time at all my uterus shriveled up and shut down. Is the mother spending her days jabbing it with hot pokers? We are all upset about the Jonas brothers breaking up, but it’s time to move on. I have a solution, introduce Screaming Baby to Yappy Satan Dog; it could be a YouTube sensation.

Furious Couple (???)- I don’t know where they live but I know they hate each other. Their yelling is so all consuming of the sound waves that I cannot pinpoint its origin. Seriously though, this guy does not appreciate anything his girlfriend does for him and she is spending too much money shopping online.

I’m realizing while reading this back that I seem to hate my neighbors. This is not the case, but this list is just of those who have made an everlasting impression on me. It really is a delightful place to live!